you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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