I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
