Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
