someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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