we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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