I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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