Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
only if we run a train.
done.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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