Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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