dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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