Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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