I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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