stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
