just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
