Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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