I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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