i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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