i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Houston, we have a blender
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
