So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
