'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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