Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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