Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
