my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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