the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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