His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
