It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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