the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Randomize
