I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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