I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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