Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think a kid would responsible me up
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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