I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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