You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
