a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am spending my child support on dildos
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize