My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
