True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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