he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize