I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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