My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
