What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
