I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
