i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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