I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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