But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just high enough for therapy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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