id be glad to
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
