Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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