I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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