I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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