I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
