I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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