Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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