remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
