I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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