I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
