can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
