After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
