Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
