dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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