his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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