If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
