Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
