I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
