I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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