He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
