I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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