After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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