mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
