is your mom at the bar?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
