glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
