and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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