I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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